Hi all,
A question I am sometimes asked is why Room 23 as a name for my blog. Room 23 is the name I want to call my business when I become a private practice psychologist. Therefore as I will most likely have a website, I wanted to begin my blog with that name which I will transfer over to that website.
So where does the name Room 23 come from?
When I was in High School, I had a friend by the name of Patrick Bumback. We were both avid sports fans and played a lot of basketball together. We would end up at either his place or my place playing endless hours of basketball as well as playing on school teams together. He was certainly a decent basketball player. At his place he had a full size goal whilst at my place I had more like an 8 foot goal. At my place we would use a smaller ball where we could palm it and do spectacular jams over each other. So much plain and innocent fun.
One day I went to Patricks place and on top of his ghetto blaster he had a strip sign that had ‘Room 23’ printed on it. Evidently Patrick had stolen it from school, from the classroom labelled Room 23. Patrick had taken a liking to this sign as it was the hay day of probably the greatest athlete to have walked the Earth, Michael Jordan. For anyone who has been living on another planet for the past 20 years, Michael Jordan wore uniform 23. He was the guy every basketballer wanted to be like. For me it was significant for that reason, as well as the fact that the number 23 is my favourite number due to my birth date.
One day I said to Patrick that I wished I had something like that for my bedroom door, secretly knowing full well that even if I had thought of it, there is no way in this life time or next that I would simply steal something. Unexpectedly, Patrick told me I could have it. I did my usual thing of not wanting to be a burden on anyone or have anyone feel they owed me anything so I tried to say no, but Patrick insisted. I was also concerned about having the stolen property in my parent’s house in my possession. However I graciously accepted it. I took it home and blue tacked it to my bedroom door where it stayed for at least 15 years.
After high school Patrick and I went our separate ways and I never really heard much about him. Patrick was a pretty smart guy although he would not want you to know that. I believe he ended up completing an engineering degree and going into work in that field.
Patrick and I had a mutual friend by the name of Mason with whom I am still very good friends. A couple of years ago I heard from Mason that Patrick had died. Mason informed me that Patrick had taken his own life due to the break up of a relationship with a woman he had been with for some time. I simply couldn’t believe it. I had always known Patrick as a fun loving happy soul. Years later I understand that this can mean very little as the private and public lives of people can exist in polarity.
Mason then informed me that one of the things we did not know about Patrick was that he had lived for many years with a heroin addiction. Many people think of heroin addiction as something similar to what we see in the movies with people living in squaller and the like, however this may be the case for many people but not for everyone. Like many drug addictions, heroin addicts can hold down normalish lifestyles, but there probably won’t be much money left over for anything else.
So in memory of Patrick, his devastating story and our friendship, I want to call my business Room 23. I felt there was great symmetry between many parts of this story. Twenty Three being my favourite number, Patrick having stolen the sign and then given it to me, my interest in psychology and Patricks unfortunate decision to take his own life. Therefore Room 23 will represent a safe place of healing for people with issues they would like to work through. It will be a sanctuary for people to come to and for that hour, or however long they are in that room, they will know they can work on healing the pain, anxiety, grief, guilt, trauma and other issues in their lives. People will enter the environment of Room 23.
Patricks story is the original inspiration for Room 23 however there are other mates whose lives have tragically come to an end far earlier than they should have and dare I say meaninglessly.
Another guy who went to school with Patrick, Mason and I was Jason Clark. It was with similar pain to hearing of the death of Patrick, that my mother advised me of the death of Jason. It was Mason who informed me that Jason had also taken his own life and had been depressed for a very long time. Unfortunately this time, Jason left behind a wife and children. I could not attend his funeral but did write a letter to his parents. They sent me a lovely reply.
Another high school friend was Gavin Capes. Gavin and I were the closest of mates in high school. Once again playing an incredible amount of basketball together. We had a falling out over something pathetic towards the end of school, but did strike up conversations again over the years as he informed me that he was joining the W.A Police Force. Interestingly Gavin was not accepted on his original applications to join the W.A.P.S apparently due to his psychological testing. Some years later, when the government promised so many police officers to the community but did not have enough applicants to join the ‘job’, they went back over old applicants and decided to change the rules somewhat to allow some previously unsuitable applicants to now be suitable! Gavin was one of those people. After a short career, Gavin was transferred to the mining town of Newman in the North of W.A. On a fairly routine trip out to a remote community to sort out some domestic issue, the plane in which Gavin was flying with 3 other police officers crashed on landing, killing everyone on board. At the time I held the police force totally responsible because if he was not allowed into the force in the first place, he may still be with us today. I went to his funeral not in police attire, but in civilian attire to remember Gavin as a good mate, not as a police officer. Gavin also left behind 2 ex wives, a fiancé and children.
On the day I was contacted in 1993 to inform me I had been accepted into the W.A Police Force, another tragedy prevailed. A man who I had never met, Senior Constable Steven Knight, was working traffic duty in a suburb of Perth. He was conducting static radar duty where a police officer will stand on the side of the road and check the speed of passing drivers with a hand held radar. On this day a crazed driver who was close to losing his licence again, veered off the road in a deliberate attempt to hit Steven with his car. He succeeded in his endeavour and killed Steven there on the side of the road. Once again, Steven left behind a wife and children.
I am glad to say that both Gavin and Steven’s names appear of the National Police Memorial in Canberra and I have seen and touched their names there.
The final person I wanted to mention was my friend and accountant Julian Kovacs. I met Julian at least 10 to 15 years ago, when a financial planner I had met sent me to him for tax purposes. We became friends quickly, rarely discussing financial matters but discussing cars, football and the like. Julian was really interested in my policing career and was a qualified forensic accountant for the W.A Police. Our best day together was when he asked me to sit in his companies box to watch Fremantle flog Richmond by 73 points on day when Trent Croad first came to the team and kicked 4 goals. After the game it was back to Julian’s place for more burbon and movies on his big screen. I had only spoken to Julian in December where had told me a strange story about being charged for drink driving and was seeking advice. Shortly after I received an email from his company informing his clients that Julian was sick and that the family asked for privacy while he fought this illness. In early January I received another email stating that Julian had died. To this day although attempting to seek information as to what happened to him, I am none the wiser. I know Julian had had issues with stomach cancer previously but it was my understanding he had beaten it. All I have is suspicions as to what happened to him and I can’t help wondering if there was something I could have done more during that conversation about his drink driving issue. And again, Julian left behind a wife and young daughter.
Although none of these men inspired me to become a psychologist, I will take my friendships with Patrick and Jason as inspiration for the work that I do with people who seek my assistance with issues they are struggling with. I will also take the families left behind by all of these men as inspiration in assisting those who face the trauma and pain we feel when tragedy strikes.
However it is the case that all of these examples of tragedy must be a constant reminder to make the most of this one life. Once it is over it is over and I will face the oblivion of eternal darkness of which I will not be conscious, so why not make the most of it whilst here. Irvin Yalom states that humans have such difficulty imagining this oblivion as we have no idea what it is like to have no consciousness. Not even sleep can be compared as we still dream. Humans have such anxiety over death as we have a very hard time accepting that once we die, that is it. Yalom states that when we die, we return to the same state in which we were before conception, nothingness. However if we can accept this fate and become comfortable with the idea that once we die, there is nothing, we can become more relaxed about living instead of searching for a way to avoid our ultimate demise. Also, if we can come to terms with the fact that the worst thing that will happen to us is dying, then we can walk through life with an attitude of “well what’s the worst thing that could happen?” Certainly nothing worse than death!
Knowing that death is ultimately around the corner, we can use it as a powerful motivation for our lives. We all have hopes and dreams for ourselves and those around us. So while we are here, why not achieve those dreams? A very powerful motivating action is to face a choice and think of it in terms of “If I were lying on my death bed and looking back at this moment, would I regret (doing it or not doing it, which ever the case may be) it?” This can be an incredibly motivating force. The alternative is to live with the excruciating pain of regret or even guilt at having made the wrong choice or no choice at all. If you get the chance, ask a terminal cancer patient if they have regrets over things they have not done in their lives.
Another effect that considering our death has is clarifying our direction and emotions. Yalom worked for many years with terminal cancer patients, specifically breast cancer patients. He said that once these women came to terms with their own death, they became very focused on the things they were going to do with the remainder of their lives. The silly anxiety and worries disappeared, they repaired broken relationships, removed unhelpful and troublesome clutter from their lives (both people and material objects) and headed assertively in the direction of their values and goals. Yalom states that another value in their choice to live their remaining days in this manner, with integrity of self, was to be an inspiration to their children, friends and loved ones, in not only how to die, but in how to live.
This becomes the motivation and irony of death. Those who are dying or have died teach us, or remind us, how to live. How we chose to live our lives is our own responsibility and, make no mistake, how we live our life is a choice.
Perhaps you also have people from your past who you have lost in unfortunate circumstances. May the memory of their untimely deaths be a motivation to you on how to live the rest of your life.
D
